DROWNING

Drowning.

It's how I've been feeling for the last few weeks. (And no I do not mean literally drowning.) I mean creatively drowning. You see a lot is happening at once for me. I'm in the midst of relocating with my family and once again I'm on the search for another job. That would be a lot for anyone, but add trying to build a career as a brand new nurse and burgeoning author at the same time. Yeah it's a lot. I find myself up at night unable to sleep as my mind constantly races. Insomnia has become my new best friend.

The job market still sucks right now. I've accepted that and I'm also aware that landing another gig may take some time. What I didn't expect was that the thing in life that has brought me so much joy, my writing, would instead turn to another source of frustration and worry.

I'm in the midst of a rewrite of my next upcoming release that is taking me forever. My enthusiasm for the story is waning. I've also started about 10 chapters into a brand new Mafia series, The Corrupt Cassinellis and I've written about 2 pages into my 3rd Demi-God Daughters book, Goddess by Surrender. My interest in everything is pretty much gone at the moment. I love writing, but lately I've had no desire to write a single word. I thought it was just the pressure of "real life," affecting my creativity but it's more to that.

I'm burned out with the struggle. I'm tired of seeing mediocrity rewarded and I'm tired of being pressured to conform to what everyone else is doing in order to sell my novels.

It felt good to get that off my chest.

I started writing because it brought me joy. I started writing because it was fun. Somewhere along the way writing stopped being fun and it became work. And when it became work it became stressful. That's not what I want for my muse or me. I want to get excited about the thought of sitting down to work on something. I don't want to spend my time trying to put myself on a schedule or forcing myself to write something in a hurry so I can try to cash in what's trending now.

Writing is supposed to be an escape.

Writing is supposed to be fun.

My characters are supposed to dictate what I write and not anyone else. So for now I'm going to take my time. I'm going to stop pressuring myself and just write. It may take a while before I have another release, but so be it. My next release may be so far out of left field of what's currently selling but who cares. I started creating the stories I wanted to read and I need to get back to that because there are enough people in this world co

THINGS THAT BREAK YOUR WRITER'S SPIRIT

    I love writing. I really do. With all my heart and all my soul. So now that I've made that clear I can honestly say that for the past few weeks I haven't wanted to write. And no I'm not talking about just a little case of needing a break. I'm talking about the serious soul searching pondering you do when trying to decide if you ever want to write again. Yeah. It went that deep. So what happened you ask? What nearly drove me over that cliff?

1. THE WAITING AND NOT KNOWING IS DRIVING ME INSANE- When I jumped into this writing dream feet first I had no idea what to expect and apparently as I go along now I still don't. My amazing agent has sent my novel into the world in search of a book deal. I'd heard that getting a NY publisher takes a long time, but I was totally unprepared for just how long. I want to pull my hair out, stomp my feet and pout like a child (too bad it won't do any good. LOL.) So while I'm in limbo, waiting and wondering how am I supposed to continue on with writing the second book in the series when there is a potential the first will not sell? This has been eating at me for a while. I think about working on it and I just can't. I love the story. I love the characters but until I know something concrete I just don't want to invest any more time into it. And I haven't.

2. THE "MARKET" IS DICTATING MY WRITING- People say write what you want. That's well and fine if you're self publishing or sending your novel to a smaller e-book publisher, but if you're trying to see your novel in print and possibly on a shelf somewhere, you need to give the top dogs what they want. I'm upset by this. No lie. I'd planned to write all of my paranormal/fantasy novels first before I transitioned into contemporary romance. With the market changing and the demand for paranormal from new authors trickling away I'm having to re-evaluate and change my writing plans. I'm not happy. Not in the least. I love paranormal. I feel it is a more liberating form of storytelling, but there's no point in me spending the majority of my time on it if it. So with sadness and many tears I put my paranormal and fantasy romance ideas on the backburner for a while.

3. I'M RESENTFUL OF PEOPLE WHO CAN WRITE WHAT THEY WANT- What do I mean? I mean I'm starting to get angry that I simply can't just write a novel. With every novel I create I have to worry whether or not people will even want to read it because there are black and multicultural characters in my novel. Yes. I'm throwing that out there. I'm growing envious of those  who can just write their books and know they will find an audience. All I want to do is write what I love and send it out knowing there will be an audience who wants to read it.

So yes, I've been pretty frustrated. I haven't written anything in the past couple of weeks. So unlike me. But I've decided to take on my frustrations. I don't know what it's going to be yet, but I'm going to self publish something. I believe it will put some of the power back in my own hands as well as give me something to focus on while I wait for the slow NY publishing process. I also decided that I'm going to write, write, write. The more novels I have completed, the more work I can share with the world one way or another.

It took a long time for me to listen to my writer's voice. The last thing I need to do is let my tendency for everything at microwave speed silence the voice I waited so long to find.

What are some things that attempt break your writer's spirit and how do you fight back?